A staple of my regular webcomics consumption is the always amusing Wondermark, which regularly features men sporting crackling virility hedges and Gax from the planet Gax. I was highly entertained by this recent Ask a Gaxian post, wherein Gax is sought for advice on various life-topics.
What do you claim your problems are? According to your letter, you are fat and creatively dissatisfied, with a diseased car and a horrible house. Rivers have carved this deep canyon in you over time, and it is not as simple as saying “Go back uphill, river.”