Have you ever walked into a meeting, and found yourself extremely confused, firmly entrenched in the Mirror Universe? Yeah. That doesn’t happen often, but when it does, hoo-boy. Thank Spock I already have facial hair…
Dear Communications Director,
You appear to be consistently making an error whereby you are conflating a person’s winning an oddly-ruled popularity contest with said person being judged to be fit to do their job. Arguably, this brings your own fitness into serious question.
Anyone who has been exposed to email knows of the Nigerian/419 scam that still not only manages to pad our spam folders, but people still seem to fall for on occasion… which says reams about human psychology. It was mildly surprised when the following version actually made it through my Gmail spam filter for the first time ever, and landed in my inbox. Since I won’t be sending any money, I figure posting it here in honor of my deceased relative is the least I can do. 🙂
(I also just realized that the pic above was taken in Melbourne. I think I need to track down the good Barrister while I’m there.)
Dear John Cmar ,
With due maximum respect,I crave your indulgence knowing that this my proposal will be a surprise to you.My name is Barr.Ahmad Azeem a legal practitioner with A.Azeem & Associates in Kuala Lumpur,Malaysia.
I found your contact/profile some where over the Internet and it gave me the greatest joy,that you are the one I have been looking for.Whom I strongly believe could execute this transaction with me.And being more positive that with your capability,that this transaction of transferring the sum of 17,530,000.00 will be successfully accomplished. My purpose of contacting you is for you to help secure the funds left behind by my late client,to avoid it being confiscated or declared unserviceable by the Finance House.Where this fund valued (17,530,000.00) Seventeen Million, Five hundred and Thirty thousand United State Dollars deposited by my client before his death in Dec 2004.
You might be wondering why am I communicating with you,believe it or not it is simply because you and my late client have the same surname.Though this is coincidental,I strongly believe,you could help me in the task which is the distribution of my late clients funds.And the said funds in the Finance House is considered “UNSERVICEABLE”after my client passed away as there were no indication of next of kin whatsoever that the Institution could consider as a beneficiary for the said funds.
Being my late clients legal adviser,the Institution notified my office,that I need to produce and to contact the next of kin of my deceased client,to either “REACTIVATE” the account or to “MAKE CLAIMS” of the said funds which is carrying a monthly surcharge.
Now,my intention is purely to seek your consent to kindly present you as the legal next of kin/beneficiary to my late client’s funds.This would mean that the proceeds of the said funds would be released to you.After the release of the funds to you,we shall then share it mutual,which will be 70% to me and 30% to you.
My office would provide documents to back up your claim.The most important thing I need is your honest/sincere cooperation in this task.And I assure you that this transaction will be legally executed according to the dictates of the law,which will protect you from any infraction of the law.
However,if this business proposition offends your moral ethics,do accept my sincere apology.If on the contrary you wish to achieve this goal with me,kindly get back to me with your interest immediately for further details.
Barr.Ahmad Azeem (Esq)
In perusing the latest post on Small Things Considered, I was reminded by Dr. Bassler of “three ominous curses of dubious ancient origin”:
- May you live in interesting times.
- May you come to the attention of those in authority.
- May you find what you are seeking.
All of these happened to me this morning in specific, unsettling ways. As such, I will rid myself of their power by passing them on to you, good reader – why should I be the only person to have all the fun? 😉
Last night, the 62-foot high, 8-ton iconic abomination along I-75 in Monroe, Ohio, that represented people fundamentally missing the point of their belief system on multiple levels, was struck by lightning and consumed by fire. Money quotes from the Middletown Journal coverage included the following:
- ‘…motorists were stopped along the highway and along Union Road in Monroe to watch the 62-foot King of Kings statue burn.’
- “God struck God, I like the irony. Jesus struck Jesus… What else are you going to do on a Monday night?”
- “Of all the things that could have been struck, I just think that that would be protected. … It’s something that’s not supposed to happen, Jesus burning.”
- ‘“I can’t believe Jesus was struck,” said his brother, who noted the giant Hustler Hollywood sign for the adult store across the street was untouched.’
I have faith they will build another.
I am guilty of at least two offenses to Nuggan. The first offense is my tolerance and ownership of these, which are abominations unto Nuggan:
As a consequence, I found myself in need of footwear that would allow for comfortable healing of said toe, while providing sufficient protection in a manner appropriate to a hospital setting. And so it came to pass that there was only one option, which was truly a new and heretofore previously undescribed abomination unto Nuggan – a pair of XXL black Beach Crocs:
These wretched “shoes,” comprised of naught but formed rubberized plastic, are nothing short of stylistic and environmental blasphemy. The truth of this is proclaimed here, and the militant prophets of Nuggan have demonstrated the only appropriate uses for them here and here.
I am contrite, and seek Nuggan’s forgiveness.